


even hitchhikers can be lost

by orphan_account



Category: Dirk Gently - Douglas Adams, Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016), Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
Genre: Brotzly - Freeform, Douglas Adams, Other, Screenplay/Script Format, but not really one, dirk's ford and todd's arthur, first time meetings, non-canon compliant, this is in the hitchhiker's universe, todd and dirk, you can't tell me they aren't the same people
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-08-01
Packaged: 2021-03-05 18:55:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25640173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: This is a re-telling of Todd and Dirk meeting. But actually, it's insert in the Hitchhiker Guide's to the Galaxy universe. Dirk's Ford and Todd's Arthur.
Relationships: Todd Brotzman/Dirk Gently
Comments: 7
Kudos: 8





	even hitchhikers can be lost

**Author's Note:**

> i really liked this one i hope someone reads it. if you don't remember, arthur met ford while he was waving at a car in a busy road. i really do think their interactions and scenarios would fit perfectly to dirk and todd. (i imagine why) so i wrote it!

There’s a man. In the middle of the street. Happily waving at a car. The car's going full speed in his direction. Shit. 

_What does he do. What does he do. What does he do._

Todd jumps and saves the man’s life. Saves both of their lives. The car continues to go full speed to its destination, barely noticing the incident. 

Todd’s panting, laying on the sidewalk. He’s used all the courage he didn’t know he had. He thinks he’s going to pass out from all the adrenaline in his body. His breathing’s getting heavier, his surroundings getting blurrier. Everything’s circling, circling and circling. A voice grounds him back. It’s Dirk, the man that was saved. 

**DIRK**  
(touching Todd’s arm)  
Why did you tackle me? 

**TODD**  
(unbelievable)  
You mean save your life?!

**DIRK**  
…By? 

**TODD**  
(shoving Dirk’s hand away)  
You were going to get hit by that car!

**DIRK**  
I was not! I was waving at it! 

**TODD**  
(angry)  
Waving at a fast car doesn’t make it stop, stupid! Don’t they have cars in England?!   
(calming himself down)  
… Look, you’re clearly drunk. Just go home. 

**DIRK**  
I'm not drunk. I'm also not from England. Wherever that is. 

Todd stands up, so does Dirk. Todd’s badly attempting to clean his trousers and t-shirt of all the dirty it has now on it. Dirk couldn’t care less about his ruined outfit. 

**TODD**  
Not my problem. 

Todd walks away. Dirk rushes to walk side by side with him. This was not in Todd’s today to-do-list.

**DIRK**  
So cars aren’t the main species of the Earth? I mean I clearly know the answer to that, since, I, too, am from here. But, let’s say I do not. What would be exactly your answer? 

**TODD**  
Do you…  
(gestures to his head)  
You know. Are you…? Should I call someone? Are you lost?

**DIRK**  
(ignoring Todd’s first questions)  
Lost? No, I couldn’t be lost. My job’s to know where I am. 

**TODD**  
You don't seem to be good at it. 

**DIRK**  
There are some rocks on the way, yes. Sometimes. But I always help myself out. Eventually. 

Todd stops walking. Dirk does, too. Todd faces Dirk. 

TODD  
Good for you, buddy. I have to go now, ok? 

**DIRK**  
Where? 

**TODD**  
Um… I’m visiting my sister today. 

**DIRK**  
It’s…   
(Dirk makes a thoughtful expression.)  
that way? 

**TODD**  
… Yes. 

**DIRK**  
Amazing. Let’s go. 

Dirk walks towards the street he’s just pointed at. Now, Todd’s the one rushing his steps to reach for Dirk. 

**TODD**  
Wait. No. You’re not coming with me. 

**DIRK**  
To visit your sister? Certainly, not. I don’t know her that would be weird. 

**TODD**  
You’re not walking with me till there, either.

**DIRK**  
Why not? I could use some human expertise. Not that I am not human, I am, see?   
(pinches his own arm)  
Ow! But see? Flesh. Human flesh. 

Todd sighs. Surprisingly, Dirk being human or not is not his biggest concerns today. It was never a concern, really. Despite Dirk assuring he’s human enough times to be actually suspicious. But there are not such a thing as aliens. Todd’s sure of that. And crazy people tend to spot him on the street more often than he’s proud to admit. That’s a concern. Anyways, he’s brought his one to himself. He needs to accept his not getting rid of him that easily. 

TODD  
You can walk with me, ask many questions you’d like, but three houses before my sister’s you’re gone. Understand? 

**DIRK**  
Wonderful. What should I call you?

**TODD**  
Todd.

**DIRK**  
Dirk. Todd, you didn’t answer my first question.

**TODD**  
Humans are the main species, I guess. 

**DIRK**  
(taking a little notepad off his pocket)  
Got it. Humans have an ego big enough to consider themselves the main species of the Earth.

Dirk writes it down. 

**TODD**  
You could say that. 

**DIRK**  
Would you consider humans the main intelligent species of the entire universe?

**TODD**  
I’d consider humans the only ones. 

**DIRK**  
(to Todd)  
So interesting.  
(thinking out loud and writing on his notepad)  
Never seen a case of ignorance this big before. They will love it. I don’t see why no one ever wanted to study the earthlings..

**TODD**  
Who will love it? Are you some kind of science fiction writer? Is this your way to be inspired or something? 

**DIRK**  
What?   
(realizing Todd has heard)  
Oh… Sure, sure. Let’s say that I am… _that_. 

Todd’s going to ask something, this man’s clearly the craziest person he’s ever stumbled on. But then, he remembers, he doesn’t care. It’s just a walk. Then, this man will be gone out of his life forever. 

Dirk looks up, taking his attention out of his notepad. He looks across the street, he sees a tiny stand. So colorful, bright, funny looking. A person wearing a cartoon-like outfit inside. Handling light brown cones with something inside of them, some kind of food? Earthlings are eating it? Dirk needs to check this out. 

He rushes to the busy road, cars and cars, full speed. Dirk doesn’t seem to have learnt his lesson. Todd, in a heartbeat, grabs Dirk by his jacket. Once again not knowing how to react to Dirk’s lack of common sense. 

**TODD**  
(angry)  
You have to stop doing that!   
(exaggerating, gesturing at the road)  
Fast cars! Road! Will kill you! 

**DIRK**  
(genuine)  
What am I supposed to do? Stay on this side of the road my _whole_ life?  
(gestures to the stand)  
I want to check that thing over there.

**TODD**  
(no patience)  
Wait for the cars to stop!

**DIRK**  
Stop yelling. I’m right in front of you. 

**TODD**  
(still yelling)  
But you don’t seem to be listening! You’re stupid!

Dirk’s hurt. He writes on his notepad: _Earthlings are often rude and have zero patience. Do not cross roads in front of them_. Todd’s there just trying to calm himself one more time.

**TODD**  
It’s not long till my sister’s. Just.. I’ll walk you by the ice cream stand and then you’re on your own, deal? 

Dirk whispers to himself _Oh, Ice cream_ and writes more on his notepad. Apparently ignoring Todd’s peace offer. 

**TODD (CONT’D)**  
Deal? I leave you at that stand and then you don’t follow me anymore?

**DIRK**  
(deadpan)  
I am not following you. I was walking in the same direction as you. 

**TODD**  
Doesn’t matter. Deal?

  
Dirk doesn’t answer, Todd takes it as a yes. He’ll later regret it. 

Todd holds Dirk by the hand, like if he was a child. And waits. Waits for the sea of cars to dry. When it happens, he crosses with Dirk. Immediately letting his hand go as soon as they reach the other side. 

Dirk wants to run to the ice cream stand but Todd pushes him aside. 

**TODD**  
Let me handle it. Just wait here. 

Todd doesn’t want to make Dirk someone else’s problem today. He goes to the stand. 

Dirk just nods and obeys. He doesn’t want Todd yelling at him again. But he’s curious. So curious. He wants to see this ice cream stand close. He wants to talk to the person inside of it. He wants to take meticulously notes about it. He wants his readers to experience it through his writing… 

No, no more yelling today. But… 

  
**TODD**  
(from the stand)  
Dirk, what flavor do you want? 

Amazing, a door’s open. Dirk can sneak into the stand. Into the boring conversation Todd seems to be having with the funny dressed person inside of the stand. 

Todd sees Dirk approaching and lasers Dirk with a glance. Mimicking with his lips _Don't Get Any Closer_.

Dirk gets closer. Todd tries to keep his cool. Once. More. 

**DIRK**  
(to the woman inside the stand)  
Which flavors do you have?

The woman starts to say and gesture flavor to flavor but Todd quickly cuts her off. 

**TODD**  
(to Dirk)  
The normal ones, you know. Vanilla, strawberry, chocolate…

**DIRK**  
(exciting)  
Ah, chocolate! Heard of it! 

**TODD**  
Like everyone else — 

**DIRK**  
(to the woman inside the stand)  
What does it taste like? Is it good?

The woman’s confused by Dirk’s question, but it’s ok, because she didn’t have the time to speak before Todd’s yet again monologuing the conversation. 

**TODD**  
(to Dirk)  
Well, you’ll find out right now.  
(to the woman inside the stand)  
Chocolate, please.

Dirk sighs. He’s still happy he’s trying the famous chocolate for the first time, but he would be happier to be trying it with nicer earthlings. Maybe with the woman selling it to him, to Todd. She seemed nice, she smiled a lot. Not that Todd isn’t nice, but he’s not the nicest. Does it make sense? _Earthlings don’t like to buy ice cream in group._ Dirk writes. 

Todd’s payed for the ice cream. Dirk’s got his ice cream. It’s over, Todd thinks. 

**TODD**  
A deal’s a deal. I should go.

**DIRK**  
Which way are you going to? 

**TODD**  
No. Not this time. You’ve got your ice cream and I’ve got my freedom back. 

**DIRK**  
Freedom? You’re a bit of a dramatic, aren’t you, Todd?

**TODD**  
(actually offended)  
I’m not dramatic.

**DIRK**  
If you say so. Didn’t you say your sister’s isn’t that far? 

**TODD**  
I did.

**DIRK**  
Would a few more questions kill you, Todd?

**TODD**  
You have no idea. 

**DIRK**  
No questions, then! We shall walk together in silence. 

**TODD**  
But I’d still know you’re there. 

**DIRK**  
That’s what together means. 

**TODD**  
I don’t want you to be there. 

Todd begins to walk. Dirk follows. 

**DIRK**  
I won’t piss you off. I promise. 

**TODD**  
Doesn’t matter what I say, right? You’ll follow me till my sister’s.

**DIRK**  
Deal’s a deal. You said so yourself.

**TODD**  
But you. You. You agreed on a second deal that would —

**DIRK**  
I never said yes or no. You said ‘Deal? I leave you at that stand and then you don’t follow me anymore?’ I said ‘I’m not following you. I was walking in the same direction as you.’ Which you replied to with ‘Doesn't matter. Deal?’ Do you recall any answer to that, Todd? You don’t because there is not.

Todd’s regretting now. 

**TODD**  
(irritated)  
You’re smarter than you look like.

**DIRK**  
Thank you. 

They keep walking and walking. 

**DIRK (CONT’D)**  
How many fingers do you have? Feet and hands.

That question caught Todd off guard. 

**TODD**  
 **U** h… ten? Don’t you have ten? 

**DIRK**  
I do! I had to ask, sorry. There were rumors at my office that earthlings had fifteen to twenty fingers because gravity is so unsophisticated in here that you’d have to grow unusually amount of fingers just to equilibrate yourselves. Not that it’s uncommon in the universe to have a largely amount of fingers, but for humanoids, it tend to be. 

**TODD**  
… I might google it later. Or not. Or yes. 

**DIRK**  
Google? 

**TODD**  
Come on. Don’t pretend you don’t know Google. 

**DIRK**  
I don’t?

**TODD**  
I’m sure there’s Google ''in the space’’, too. Those guys are everywhere. 

**DIRK**  
Is it a spaceship sort of company?

**TODD**  
Spaceship company? No, that’s NASA.

**DIRK**  
You said they’re in the space and then you said they’re everywhere.

**TODD**  
I was being sarcastic, Dirk.

**DIRK**  
Sarcastic…

_Sometimes earthlings will say lies in form of truth and call it sarcastic. Apparently, that’s a thing here. Earthlings can be very complex._ Dirk writes. 

**TODD**  
Google’s what holds all the answers to every question. You would have fun there.

**DIRK**  
Like an encyclopedia? 

**TODD**  
Yes.

**DIRK**  
And where do I find it? 

**TODD**  
On the internet.

**DIRK**  
…And where do I find the internet?

**TODD**  
You don’t find the internet, Dirk. You feel it. Here, watch.

Todd slowly motions his hands through the air. 

**TODD (CONT’D)**  
The internet’s in the air. It’s everywhere. It’s right before your eyes, and it’s not. 

Todd’s only messing around but Dirk looks genuine marveled. He, then, starts to slowly motion his hands through the air, too. He doesn’t waste any more time and opens his notepad.

After writing about the internet, Dirk finishes the paragraph with: _So so so complex_.

Todd stops. Unfortunately, for the last time. They’re here. Three houses before his sister’s. As the deal said. 

**DIRK**  
Why did you stop?

**TODD**  
We’re here. Three houses before my sister’s.

**DIRK**  
A deal’s a deal. 

**TODD**  
A deal’s a deal. Well, I should continue. She’s waiting me. Bye!

Todd gives three steps ahead, Dirk calls for him.

**DIRK**  
Wait!

**TODD**  
No, you’re not coming this time.

**DIRK**  
(genuine)  
It’s not that. I just wanted to say… thank you. 

**TODD**  
(taken aback)  
Oh… no problem. 

Quickly, before Todd’s gone, Dirk picks up his notepad, writes something in it, and gives to Todd. 

**DIRK**  
(handling Todd the tiny piece of paper)  
Here. It was nice meeting you. Have a great rest of the day. 

**TODD**  
(relief because it’s over)  
You too, Dirk.

Todd walks away. This time Dirk doesn’t stop him or follow him.

One house before his sister’s, Todd takes a moment to read what’s in the paper Dirk’s handled to him. It’s a very bizarre phone number and a message. 

_Don’t panic, but if you do, call me: +42 8?7 !3@ 3 &8%. :) Dirk aka the Hitchhiker. _

** THE END **

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading :]


End file.
